‘Get clear’ and get past fear

While in the bathroom recently - I might have been brushing my teeth - I had one of those aha moments, “Fear fogs the brain.”

(I’m told we are more creative around water, and I certainly find my bathroom to be a great creative lab!)

I see this fear phenomenon more and more. Conversely, the less fearful we are, the more present we can be with our lives, our work, and our relationships.

An example: I have a new client who resides and works on the East Coast. He’s bright, accomplished and terribly unhappy with his present job situation. From the outside looking in, you might say he has it all - a good job, a great wife and family - yet he feels unsettled.

Truth is, authenticity is one of his highest values and he feels like he’s living a lie!

He feels constricted and in fear. He has a family to support, he’s sole provider at this time and he’s followed his father’s prescription - get a good, solid, respectable job. He’s done that.

And he’s fearful about changing and miserable inside because his real essence is not being expressed in his work. He’s had trouble getting clear about what he really wants because he is so immersed in his situation. Lastly, he fears there’s no way out of this dilemma.

He’s not alone. Haven’t we all felt stuck and mired in the fear of such a situation at some point? We can’t think straight because our “monkey mind” has us by the throat. Monkey mind thinking that grips us when we are about to make changes in our lives loves to keep us in the status quo. It’s deadening, yet predictable.

Have you seen the bumper sticker that’s a response to such a monkey mind perspective: “Don't believe everything you think!”

So how does my client and anyone else gain clarity amid challenging life decisions, when gripped by fear, when brains are fogged?

Getting started

Well let’s start with what doesn’t seem to work. It’s so tempting to go to others and complain about our circumstances. We find others with whom to bond and play the “ain’t it awful game.” It provides temporary relief, but long-term offers no clarity.

It often doesn’t work to tell spouses, parents, siblings and close extended family members who may start colluding with your fears. They are not bad people, they want to keep you safe. They may tell you to quit whining. After all, you should be lucky you have a job!

That snaps you back to the status quo with a dose of guilt on top of your fear. Again, no maliciousness here, just status quo reinforcement.

Helen Keller, however, got it right when she said: “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

So what will bring you to clarity?

Have you noticed you get clearer after you’ve taken a long walk or exercised, danced, done yoga? There’s something to this mind-body connection. Endorphins start getting produced and fear starts to vanish. Lately I’ve found I have to stop my treadmill amid my workout because I’ve had a clear thought that I have to write down before forgetting it.

Others get clearer when they write or journal. They see their own thoughts spill out on the page, and get a sense of what they are thinking. Writing also can be a great way to dump a lot of emotion out on paper. No one else has to be there, just you and your pen and paper or fingers running over the computer keyboard. People with artistic skills gain the same effect through drawing or doodling.

Other techniques

Still others get clear by talking with other people functioning as a sounding board. The listeners need to be unconditional, not clouding the issue with their own opinions or advice, allowing the person trying to get clear to tell the truth, be seen and accepted.

Quakers actually have a practice for this. It’s called a discernment committee: When someone wants to get clear, a group of congregants allow the person to speak his mind while the others just listen. Parker Palmer explores this process in his small but profound book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. By the way, this is where a professional coach can come in, well trained in the skills of listening and articulating.

Some people find fear drops away after witnessing others experiencing life threatening illnesses, or surviving such an illness themselves. Such incidents may awaken them to the realization they have nothing to lose - that their fears were minor compared to death or near death. The experience has put everything in a different perspective.

Getting away from it all with a retreat or vacation also can create enough space between you and your circumstances to get clear.

Whichever method you choose, here are questions to chew on as you explore this notion of clarity:

• What do you need to clarify most in your life?

• How does fear cloud your present and your future?

• What would be your preferred method of gaining clarity?

• What’s your next step in getting clear?

My challenge to you is to put some time and energy into clearing the foggy areas in your work and life. Get on with your life and live it as clearly as you can!

Melanie Keveles MA, CPCC, Certified Professional Life Coach and Certified Best Year Yet Coach has been a career and outplacement consultant, trainer and writer for more than 20 years. From her office in Superior, she coaches clients throughout the United States and Canada who seek career satisfaction, or want to launch entrepreneurial ventures. You can contact her at mkeveles@onlinecoaching.com; by phone at 715.394.4260 or at www.onlinecoaching.com.